


The Real Reason Kain Killed Moebius

by grisabele (Lolotte)



Category: Legacy of Kain
Genre: Gen, humor?, i wrote this as a teen and it shows
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-04-06
Updated: 2002-04-06
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:55:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 653
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26981005
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lolotte/pseuds/grisabele
Summary: Another one for the cringe compilation. The Legacy of Kain cast goes camping. Moebius is the worst.
Collections: Grisabele's Cringe Compilation





	The Real Reason Kain Killed Moebius

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this as a literal teen and brought it over from FFN. I have left the text as it was.
> 
> Enjoy?

The Real Reason Kain Killed Moebius!

***

Sure, Blood Omen may tell you all kinds of things, but they wanted the reason Kain killed Moebius to have something to do with Vorador's decapitation. I am the Great and Powerful All-Knowing and All-seeing Oracle that Moebius liked to impersonate. MWAHA- *coughhackwheezecough*HAHAHAHA!

***

It was a dark and stormy night. Kain had been invited to the Nosgothic Pillar Guardians annual camp-out. Actually, considering that Kain had pretty much killed all of them, it was just him, Ariel, Mortanius, and Moebius.

"I'm hungry!" whined Moebius as Mortanius lit the fire.

"I can't even eat, so quit whining!" snapped Ariel. Mortanius sighed and dug through the cooler as a torrential downpour started.

"Aw, man, the fire's out!" Moebius complained.

"SHUT UP!" yelled everybody else. Moebius looked very, very sheepish. Kain gritted his teeth and clutched the hilt of the Soul Reaver. He would LOVE to do some serious Guardian slaying, but now was not the time...

***

After a few hours, the rain had stopped, Mortanius had managed to get a fire going, Kain and Ariel were playing chess, and Moebius was whining about having to pee in the bushes.

"My mommy told me to always find an outhouse and use it!"

"Shut the hell up, you're breaking my concentration!" snapped Kain.

"Check!" said Ariel.

"What? NO WAY YOU HAVE ME IN CHECK, SPIRIT!"

"Will somebody help me find an outhouse, pretty please with sugar on top?" whined Moebius.

"NO WAY!" screeched Ariel. "THERE'S SLUGS IN THAT FOREST! AND THE BLAIR WITCH LIVES THERE TOO! AND LAST TIME I WANTED TO USE AN OUTHOUSE THERE WAS A SLUG ON THE SEAT!" Kain rolled his eyes.

"There's no such thing as the Blair Witch...anyways, Moebius is *hopefully* a guy and won't have to use the seat."

"Please someone...please help me find an outhouse! I'm about to pee my pants here!" wailed Moebius. Mortanius grinned his evil grin and stood up.

"I'll go with ya, Moebius...if you'll just stick your hand in the fire to make sure it's hot enough..." Moebius, being the idiot he is, did so.

"OWIE!" he screamed, running around like a dumb monkey and sticking his hand in the cooler.

"Would you grab the marshmallows while you're at it?" Kain asked.

***

Several hours later

***

Moebius had his hand wrapped up in some gauze now (courtesy of Ariel), had eaten all the marshmallows except for the two that Kain and Mortanius had roasted, and had now downed about a dozen cokes. Which made him hyper. Which made him have to pee worse. Which made him drive Kain crazy.

"Okay, you guys, Imma gonna go...uh, pee now!" Moebius said cheerfully, skipping off into the forest.

"I hope a bear gets him..." muttered Mortanius.

"EEK! SPIDER!" Ariel shreiked.

"Are you sure we'll be lucky enough for a bear to eat him?" Kain asked Mortanius.

"Doubt it."

Moebius came back, happy and singing.

"I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves and this is how it goes! I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves and this is how it goes! I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves and this is how it goes!" sang Moebius, loudly and off- key. Kain finally lost it. It wasn't bad enough that Ariel had beaten him at chess and that Mortanius had made him come here. Now Moebius had to sing THAT STUPID SONG!

Kain calmly walked up to Moebius, unsheathing the Soul Reaver.

"SHUT THE HELL UP!" he cried, decapitating Moebius as he did so.

And Moebius was dead.

And Ariel got sick and disappeared.

And Mortanius laughed.

And Kain finally had some peace.

THE END.


End file.
